Facebook is freaking me out

I wouldn't say I have a suspicious mind. I now realize that person who was following me in the Chevvy Cobalt tonight may not have been specifically tailing me. He was behind me for four miles, though. He turned left when I turned left. He turned right when I turned right. He was wearing shades on a cloudy day. His face was partially obsured but I swear it was the face of a serial killer.

My suspicion that he was following me was alleviated slightly when I turned off the interstate and he kept going. Or maybe this was a ruse to make me think he wasn't following me.

Then I got a bit freaked out at the mail box. Someone was loitering behind me as I unlocked my box. I could feel the hairs on my back standing on end.

I turned and an elderly lady smiled at me. I wasn't fooled. Oh no. I was acutely aware of bizarre story of the elderly Caucasian man who was rumbled by airline officials in Canada who discovered he was a young Asian man.

Now I assume most elderly people are really teeagers. "Don't be fooled by how slowly they move," I'll tell anyone who cares to listen. "Most of them are drug dealers, disguised as old prunes." Tell them loudly you know their real identity and they'll jump out of the blocks like Carl Lewis on acid.

I gave the elderly lady an oblique look because I was starting to wonder if she was really the man who was following me in the Cobalt. I glanced at the parking lot and sure enough a Cobalt was parked nearby.

I retreated to my home only to find out I was being stalked on the internet. A man called Mr Godogo from Nigeria was offering to put $1 million in my bank account. I know bad things happen in Nigeria and this guy had my number. Well my email address at least.

But the most stark evidence I am being stalked came from Facebook, which I am told is some kind of networking site. I don't use it much owing to my cautious nature. Fifty visits a day is quite enough, thank you very much.

I'm most freaked out by the "People you know" section down the right hand side of the screen. How the hell does Facebook know that I know them? Or rather knew them. Clearly there's an operation going on here like the one the British ran from Dublin Castle in the early 20th Century when a network of informers kept the Irish in their place.

How else can I explain the fact this site regularly produces a picture of my mother-in-law, my ex-wife, the estate agent in England who defrauded me of 1000 sterling and the tenant who refused to leave our rental home, leaving us with a bill of a further 1000 sterling and all this after I had generously donated my bicycle to her, on the understanding she paid for a second wheel.

We live in sinister and troubling times my friends and social networking is as incidious as the bugs the Soviets used to place in hotel rooms of diplomats visiting Moscow.

I must end this post now to get some more medication from Walgreens but hold onto that thought....


  1. don't tell them where you're going... they'll get you

  2. You are being watched, constantly... let the paranoia take over and do you need me to mail you the tin foil hat?

  3. Yep Chris I'm concerned about that. Oh do Nubian - or I can get my daugher to make one in art project

  4. I hope your cell phone isn't creeping you out too.. and don't play 4square

    Off to friend you on facebook.

  5. I've just deleted my FB account.
    I'm glad I did!
    Brilliant piece! I really enjoyed!

    Hope your weekend is going well!


  6. Glad you liked the piece, Betty. Actually I still spend far too much time on Facebook but I think the more 'friends' you get on there the more boring and irrelevant stuff you end up reading.

  7. Ahhh... I loved it! I agree with you - I have this love/hate relationship going with Facebook ;)

    Thanks so much for stopping by my blog today :)

  8. It is a love/hate thing - thanks for stopping by mine and for the follo

  9. Oh I so dislike Facebook. I have an account but almost never use it for precisely the reason of your tongue-in-cheek post. I do find it overly invasive. Fun post here though. Thanks for your visit to my blog.

  10. Yes!! SOmeone as paranoid as me! Finally. Wait...is this good or bad? are you really paranoid, or just pretending to be to "get me on your side"

  11. You are right Hilary. It can be invasive. Thanks Sara - well I didn't want you to feel you were the only paranoid one out there. best finish this message. There are blue lights outside and they must be coming for me!

  12. Hilarious ! FB really freaked you out .I love FB because it keeps me connected to my friends,relatives who are scattered all over the world.We also have a very strong networked blog community .Don't look at me suspiciously ,i don't work for FB :):)

  13. I only opened a FAcebook page in an effort to find my younger son who had gone off to London for his 'gap' year and apparently disappeared. Fortunately, he saw my plea the same day and got in touch. Since then, I have only accepted 10 friends so my page is uncluttered. I only use it now to follow up a new e-mailers. I don't post any photos or info myself.


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