Sunday, May 15, 2011

The Fountain of the Eternal Gut


I always found it ironic that the 16th Century Spanish explore Juan Ponce De Leon searched for the Fountain of Youth and found Florida.

I don't mean jarringly ironic like that annoying Alanis Morissette song my timewarp radio station always plays. Just quietly ironic.

I can almost imagine the explorer's confused, and by now rather worn, face as he toured round The Villages today in a golf cart watching all the geriatrics hobbling around in those distinctive kids of green geriatric golf pants.

I have been searching for this myself but am sad to report is I only found a drinking fountain and the water tasted so foul it probably took a couple of years off my life.

So maybe I should have been flattered today when an elderly woman at checkout in FarmFresh asked for my identification when I bought a bottle of Pinot Noir.

But in reality I felt annoyed. I felt like saying: "look dude. It was legal for me to drink when the Romans were putting the white lines down the Fosse Way, when Julius Caesar was saying 'I have a bit of a stabbing pain in my back.'

I had read somewhere that exercise makes you feel envigorated so we took out family membership at the YMCA. I quickly found it's easier to take our membership than to actually go, but we have been making a concerted effort over the last few weeks.

Usually work out rooms are depressing because the people in them don't look like they need to work out. I am pleased to report there are some decidely untoned people at this Y. There are people with bottoms wide enough to balance a pint of beer on each love handle, if you should so wish. I haven't had the courage to try this one yet.

There are also some people who appear to be even older than me, which is always a big plus.

The last time I joined the Y, 20 minutes on an exercise machine left me feeling all the symptoms that the notice on the side of the machine says you should stop exercising if you feel; dizzy, pained and short of breath.

My collapsing on a mat routine gained me some alarmed glances although I got the impression nobody would try to administer first aid should a cardiac have arrest set in.

Strangely enough I seem to be fitter a few years later and a few years older. The cranky old elliptical machine in the living room, may have helped me in this respect, even if it clanks and alarms the cat, who now looks like a furry baby elephant. Sadly I couldn't get him on the family membership.

After two weeks of exercising my arms feel a lot firmer but I can see absolutely no progress on my gut. People still ask me "what are you going to call it?" at the most inopportune of times.

After 20 minutes of controlled sweatiness, I went into the pool to hang out with the fam. in the hot tub. Now I have no complaints with the Y - it's a smart, new facility, a million light years away from the cloying gyms and freezing chlorine loaded pools that I grew up swimming in back at home.

But they're a bit puritanical. I don't think they'd take it too kindly if you headed to the hot tub with a large bottle of pinot grigot and a few glasses.

Now my joints hurt but I'm starting to feel it may have been a waste of time. Something to do with the heavy duty Italian meal I whipped up tonight that seems to have done few favors to that gut.

Maybe I need to do something more radical. Maybe I need to go to Kentucky and search for the fountain of youth. Knowing my luck I'd lose it at Kentucky Fried Chicken.

12 comments:

  1. Wish I could cut off my love handles

    ReplyDelete
  2. It's easy peasy to loose your gut. Just stop eating for a few months.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Studies have shown that even if you don't lose weight, that having done the exercise is good for your body. Also, muscle weighs more than fat. Just saying. Keep at it and let us know how it goes :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. I wish my lovehandles would disappear for good! I spend too much time working out for them to still be there! Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Eat less. Exercise more. They make it sound so easy, but easy it is not! The balancing beers on love handles part made me laugh. Good luck in your quest for fitness and if you find the fountain of youth, please let me know. :)

    ReplyDelete
  6. Are you sure we're not the same person? I related to this post so much it scared me. Lol.

    About a month ago I joined a community center to take zumba classes. I was pleased to see most of the women there were much bigger than me (like you, my last gym experience was being surrounded by fitness models). I have been doing these damn classes for a month and eating LESS and I have gained five pounds as a result. I'm so frustrated, it brings tears to my eyes. I can only hope my situation is as one of your commenter's said, "muscle weighs more than fat." Sigh.

    Good luck with the weight loss! And if all else fails, just take a bottle of white wine to the whirlpool anyway. The Y at least owes you that for your troubles. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  7. Awwww, you're officially an American now. (; Anywho I love going to gym because it gives me blog fodder and generally makes me feel better about myself as a human being seeing the tards at the gym trying to workout.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I'm with Anna. The Y should make for rather interesting blog fodder. Keep going and you'll discover why...

    ReplyDelete
  9. Slightly drastic Scots lass. Thanx Technogran and thanks for the follo. Will do lifebegins. I'm fine with extra weight, but would like to lose flabby areas. Thanks Jennee, I know - it's such a long slog. Cheers Oilfield. Thanx Daisy, maybe I'll find it tonight at the Y. Sorry to hear that Jennifer, I'm told it slips off slowly in the long run (by which time I will have given up) forsure Anna - I am hoping for blog fodder. that does sound a bit ominious Empress, must say I thought there'd be more character there, tho.

    ReplyDelete
  10. David, you've upped your humour with this. It's great. I laughed throughout. My favorite line was "What are you going to call it?" My eternal gut is rather eternal, so I could really relate.
    xoRobyn

    ReplyDelete
  11. Loved this....I call mine the laughing handles, they are forever juggling. :)

    ReplyDelete