From its origins as an obscure site, Facebook has grown to become an everyday part of life in the 21st Century, visited as often as Google. I have to confess I am guilty of visiting it more times than I should, in the hope of seeing little red indicators which translate as ‘you’re popular – almost’
And as Facebook has grown and become more popular, the stereotypes we see around us have translated to the site. I recently saw a list of Facebook types on one of the networks recently, so this isn’t original. But it’s my take, in no particular order.
1 – Running man. Updates me every morning when I tune into Facebook on his run, its duration, his time and the climatic conditions. I hardly known this guy, but I know more about his body than I do my own. And that’s not right.
2 – lyrics man. His updates usually are comprised of song lyrics, intended to make him look as cool as possible. So he might tell you he’s “exchanged a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage,” – one I want to use myself some time. But he’ll post “Don't let your indecision, take you from behind . Trust your inner vision, don't let others change your mind,” over his dead body.
3 – Rude girl. A problematic Facebook friend for sure, especially since she befriended you as a case of mistaken identity from school. Rude girl will swear incessantly, make homophobic comments and allude to the state of her toilet after a curry. You know other people must wonder why you are friends with this girl, but you are too scared to defriend her.
4 – Republican Girl. She seemed OK when you knew her in person, but all of her Facebook updates are quotes by Ronald Reagan or Rush Limbaugh and she even changes her profile picture to George W Bush. Apt to pass on jokes about Obama’s death.
5 – The ex. You look at the pictures of someone with four kids and bags under her eyes from watching the four kids and think. Did we really once scale that high wall into the park after a night of heavy drinking?
6 – The World Traveler. Yes I used to like you but if I see another set of pictures from your skiing trip to St. Moritz or the French Riviera, I will scream or post something unpleasant. Me – jealous? Absolutely.
7 – Sports nut. The sports nut starts to drive me nuts by posting play by plays of the action of some game I don’t want to watch anyway. If I wanted a live ticker, I’d check one out.
8 – Needy girl. Posts a lot of updates and posts at times when civilized folks are in bed. A gorgeous guy is making eyes at her across the bar. But he’s left with another girl. Why is her life so crap? Does anybody care? Not me.
9 – Cryptic girl. Posts obscure statements that are vague enough to make you feel uneasy. Because while they may relate to the climate of Greenland, there’s a very remote chance they may relate to me.
10 – Extended family members. While I believe there is an unspoken rule about parents not being on Facebook, how about the aunts who have slipped on there and post aw, gosh, lovely comments about the pictures you have posted of your kids
11 – The Serial Mom. Posts regularly from the frustration of a chaotic home about diapers, more diapers, feeding routines, getting stains out of carpets and eternal love of children. And posts photos of kids – lots of them. And they normally have food round stuck their mouths.
12 – Anonymous man. Is on Facebook but is always AWOL. I recently realized an anonymous man from Australia has defriended me. I have no idea when this occurred.
13 – Boss person. Yeah, yeah, you had to accept his invite but now you get worried about what you post. “God I’m bored. Taking drugs at work to get by,” is obviously a no-no.
14 – Teacher. Everybody has a teacher on Facebook. They normally post updates on how bad it is to be a teacher.
15 - The Student. My monumentally unsuccessful two month stint as a teacher wasn't unsuccessful enough to prevent former students befriending me as they make their hesitant way into the grown up world. It means I can be assailed by doped up status updates at 2 a.m. or updates along the line of "I'm so going to die. The Wedding's off. Brad no longer loves me," followed two hours later by: "We made up. I'll love him for ever and ever." Pause for sigh of relief that I didn't chuck back the reply: "You're better off without him. I thought he was a jerk, anyhow."
16 – The celebrity. Most posts are purely professional and aimed at a wider market. Given that Billy Bragg never accepted my request, the only celeb I have is Robert Peston. And I do actually know him from back in the day. So there.
17 - Dog/cat lover. The profile picture of a pet is always a give away. Sees life from a low down vantage point on four legs. Will let you know when he's feeling rufffff.
18 - Mundane Maddie. Friend who posts updates that add nothing to one's existence on earth such as: "I had two eggs for beakfast and a slice of bacon." - And I went to bed in an um bed, and utilized a sheet and a blanket.