Thursday, July 24, 2014

Woman Spends $30,000 to be Like Kim Kardashian - And She's British!

Let's admit it we have all wanted to be someone else at some point in their lives. What guy has never wanted to have the star appeal of George Clooney and the fortitude of Winston Churchill.

I can't speak on behalf of women but there are clearly women I can't imagine any women wanting to be like such as Joan Rivers, Rosie O'Donnell and Kim Kardashian.

All of which makes the tale of Claire Leeson doubly horrifying. I don't use exclamation marks lightly for the record.The 24-year-old has just spent $30,000 trying to be like her air headed role model, reported the New York Daily News.

Claire Leeson


The worst thing thing about this very sad tale is that Claire happens to be British. Pause for a moment of sad and quiet reflection.

"I'd love to be able to market myself the same way that Kim has," she told the Daily News. "Even if I had half of the fame Kim has, I'd be happy."


The original


Becoming Kim entails getting hair extensions, a boob job, teeth whitening and extensive tanning treatment; in other words everything you need to be 100 percent fake. It also involves running up massive credit card debts to finance the massive transfer of weight from brain to bum.

I'm not sure what to make of this because after what seems like decades of seeing images of Kardashian in magazines and on the TV, I still have no idea who or what she is; and what she does apart from tacky. She doesn't even seem to have adopted any African kids to my knowledge; yup Kardashian is famous for being famous - a sort of more famous version of Katie Price (AKA Jordan). This is apparently the sort of woman who has a kid called North West. OK I'm bored now and rather upset that Brit girls can't adopt better roles models such as Nora Batty.....







Thursday, July 10, 2014

Belgium Fan Wins Modelling Contract from World Cup

Belgium may be out of the World Cup but the fun is just beginning for one fan whose iconic Viking image was spotted by a modelling company that signed her up.



Although Vikings didn't come from Belgium when I last looked, Axelle Despiegelaere may not care much after she was spotted in Brazil and signed up by L'Oreal.

As someone who is always being contacted by modelling companies who want to photograph me in gray sweater vests or trash can liners, I know how it feels.

Not all of the fans at the World Cup have been having quite such fun as the 17-year-old from Belgium. The famously glamorous Brazilian supporters were looking a bit down in the mouth after their 7-1 defeat by Germany.


Efforts to ward off Mick Jagger clearly failed. The Rolling Stones frontman has a legendary curse in which every team he supports falls on its backside. In the Germany v Brazil game he was supporting - you guessed it - the team in yellow.



Now the Brazilians have to face the prospect of seeing their arch rivals Argentina playing in the final of a World Cup that cost so much it threatened to push their economy under.

After the game against Brazil, it's hard to see anyone stopping Germany but Argentina are likely to put up a stiffer contest - let's face it a group of boy scouts would have. When it comes to the coolness of fans Argentina might well edge this one.


Argentina


um Germany


If they want to find a silver lining the Brazilians might want to look north to Honduras. The most violent nation in the world, outside the obvious war zones, finished the World Cup with 0 points - yes that's even less than England - and, judging by this picture - they also have the world's ugliest fans.


As a bit of a post script Axelle Despiegelaere apparently lost her modeling contract after a picture of her on a hunting trip emerged...rendering this post rather meaningless. Go Argentina..

Monday, July 7, 2014

My Blog is Monty Python's Dead Parrot

I try not to check the stats on my blog too much because it tends to resemble John Cleese's parrot. A combination of infrequent postings and lack of interaction has indeed turned my blog into the Norwegian Blue.

At least as it's flushed down the toilet, somebody might remark on its beautiful plumage. You never know.



In past years I have had a three pronged strategy to counter blog disaffection. Namely:

1 Blog more about Justin Bieber
2 Blog about Bieber
3 Blog about that annoying little Canadian s...

I fear the wisdom of the strategy has now deserted me as nobody even cares about Bieber these days as he slides into an icky pool of whatever Lindsey Lohan slid into years ago.


We were fond of whatshername from a Fish Called Wanda


Real talent is enduring and it's seen in characters such as John Cleese and Michael (not Sarah) Palin. Recently I bumped into an ardent Fish Called Wanda fan, which reminded me of how I had forgotten much about the film apart from the bit where a concrete block falls on a small dog and Palin's stutter.


All of which reminds me I must be fundamentally sick.

The reality is Cleese and Palin can make most things funny, even dead animals. Enjoy.

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Team USA Takes on Belgium - Five Random Facts About Belgium

Every four years - assuming they are in the World Cup - Americans get all excited about the game with the iniquitous 's' word.


Team USA colors

America has an ambivalent relationship to the game Brits call football, preferring the odd game with shoulder pads and numerous stops. But with Team USA on a roll, America is again getting all excited about proper football.


It's sobering to think that the Americans do this as a sideline but still seem to be more successful than England at the World Cup with a motley collection of players who would be fighting for a first time place in your average Premiership side. American pubs fail to rival the fervor of those back in the England when a game is on, but maybe that's not bad thing.




So today it's on to the mighty Belgium - a team I know little about but are apparently fifth favorites to win the World Cup.


It's a bit hard to get worked up about Belgium in the same way as one can get worked up about the Geermans and the gnashing Uruguayans, although Waffle House is doing its bit by stating it doesn't believe in Belgium waffles. Well I don't believe in Waffle House - except as a last resort when everywhere else is closed.


The few times I have  been to Belgium I have loved the architecture and the beer, less so the inhabitants who tend to shun deodorant.


Here are five little known facts about Belgium.


1 - Brussels Spouts really do come from Belgium where they have been grown for 400 years. They also acquire the texture of snot if cooked in a certain way. They tend to taste worse.


2 - Belgium produces 22 kg of chocolate for every person in the country. And it's a lot better than Hershey's.


3 - Belgium has enforced compulsory voting. If you fail to vote you are dragged out of your home and pushed under Jean Claude Van Damme's arm pit.


4 - The highway system in Belgium is so brightly lit it's the only man made structure on the earth that's visible from the moon at night.


5 - Belgium has the oldest shopping center in the world - the Galeries St Hubert in Brussels which opened in 1847 for the buying of top hats.







Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Ernest Hemingway Reprise

I hesitated briefly as I saw the reassuringly thick spine in the library and finally grabbed it from the shelf. Hemingway to me feels like an old friend who can piece together the disparate pieces of my life, who I had half forgotten about long ago.


The first book I read by Ernest Hemingway was Islands in the Stream when I was in my teens. The thick tome seemed to be about drinking and boating and more drinking and boating and generally sucked and made me think of Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers.




I was staying with an uncle who thought he was clever with his quips, like the time we stood in the men's room on the ferry and he whipped it out and proclaimed: "This is where the big boys hang out" to the disgust of the elderly man in the next urinal. Well the uncle is now the old man and if he was on the ferry the old man and the sea. His kids are adults with their own lives and Hemingway is still the big boy of a certain kind of literary genre, his hunting, fishing, shooting presence looming large over swathes of Florida and Cuba.


Hemingway was a man's man perhaps but he eludes pigeon holing. My next read was For Whom the Bell Toll and nobody who reads about the smell of pine needles and the night the earth moved with passion, can ever write him off as literary red neck.


For Whom the Bell Tolls is in many ways Hemingway's finest piece of work, harking back to the days of the Spanish Civil War and a half-imagined idealism we thought we had left behind. The book is devoted to Martha Gellhorn, the reporter Hemingway left his wife for to embark on another torrid and ultimately failed marriage.


Still there is something alluring about the idea of passion amidst the ruins of an under siege Madrid hotel frequented by the press corps. In the days when the news mattered and no longer rose and fell on the latest Tweet, the Spanish Civil War represented a clash of ideologies and as well as a testing ground for the terrible weapons of war that Adolf Hitler was about to unleash on Europe.


Hemingway's idealism may have been misguided but there is no giant of his stature around today to raise Cain as ISIS unleashes a Medieval barbarity on the land Abel's brother was vanquished to.


Next came A Farewell to Arms, a Secondary School text about Hemingway's exploits in Italy in World War One. The novel is laced with a deep pessimism but is an iconic as the image of a soldier and his girl alone in the rain against the massive ornate eaves of Milan Cathedral.


Years later I introduced A Farewell to Arms to a class of 10th Graders and felt the pessimism of the novel wash over me at the failure to see it induce any spark of interest in the computer game infected eyes of the young.


So perhaps that was it. Hemingway is an anachronism with no value to the modern world. He's a passing fancy and a reason why men wear false beards in Key West.


I also read The Sun Also Rises as it moves from Paris to Spain, laced with booze and the existentialism of the Lost Generation, but curiously alluring and fascinating. I cannot read the novel without yearning for Paris or Pamplona and the warm breeze and smell of the Mediterranean.


The other brushes with Hemingway were non literary such as the brief visit to La Floridita bar in Havana where he sobered up on daiquiris after a morning of writing and chain drinking whiskies.


Hemingway blew his brains out in the end in Idaho of all places - far from the Tropics and far from Spain. He is long gone but not forgotten like my memories of his prose. I'm looking forward to revisiting For Whom the Bell Tolls.

Sunday, June 8, 2014

How the Message of Born in the USA is Lost 30 Years On

It's hard to believe the iconic Bruce Springsteen song Born in the USA is 30 years old. The year was 1984 and I distinctly remember the powerful riff and belting lyrics along with a image of blue jeans and the American flag that seemed to make this a tub thumping, jingoistic song that made me feel distinctly uneasy.



In 1984 female protesters were chaining themselves to the gates of RAF Greenham Common in protest at the arrival of American cruise missiles, while miners were fighting pitched battles in the streets of northern towns as the Conservative government sought to dismantle the mining unions. It was tempting to see everything in terms of black and white and left and right and to believe Britain was on its way to becoming the 51st state of the USA.

Springsteen's song appeared to be more of the same, a none-too-subtle celebration of American triumphalism.



One of the song's biggest fans was George Will, a conservative columnist who hailed it as a "cheerful affirmation" of all of the good things about America. His pal Ronald Reagan who happened to be President at the time was impressed and he referenced Springsteen and his song of hope during his re-election campaign.

In reality Reagan was fooled by the upbeat nature of the song. If you delve into the lyrics, it quickly becomes apparent that Born in the USA is ironic and about the emptiness of the American dream from the perspective of a Vietnam veteran.

Down in the shadow of penitentiary
Out by the gas fires of the refinery
I'm ten years burning down the road
Nowhere to run, ain't nowhere to go
Born in the USA

A BBC article pointed out Springsteen's song isn't the only one to be misinterpreted. You may not want to play Every Breath You Take by the Police at your wedding because it's about the stalkery kind of love. Nor Does REM's The One I Love go down in the annals of top romantic songs as it contains the line: "This one goes out to the one I’ve left behind/A simple prop to occupy my time."



Friday, May 23, 2014

Richard III Comes Home to Leicester Of All Places

You have to spare the odd thought for King Richard III. Demonized as a scheming hunchback by Shakespeare, and found with his skull smashed in, the King now has the ignominy of being laid to rest in Leicester cathedral.



England has a lot of fantastic cathedrals but I do not believe Leicester is one of them. Apparently it looks like this; still better than those makeshift places that they call churches in the US, but even so...



When we last caught up with Richard he was not doing splendidly at the Battle of Bosworth field in 1485 when he was offering his Kingdom for a horse but ended up with his head staved in anyway.

In 2012 the remains of the king, with a curved spine and the previously mentioned bashed in head, showed up under a parking lot in Leicester. If you have not been to Leicester you may not appreciate what an un Kingly resting place this is. Parking lots in Leicester are generally for having fights and throwing up curries in.

Richard was dug up and a legal battle began over where he should be buried.

a group calling itself the Plantagenet Alliance, argued it was the medieval king's wish to be buried in the historic northern city of York -- the city they claim was closest to his heart. Not only is York pretty but it has more of a kick ass cathedral than Leicester.


 
York Minster

On its website, the Alliance -- reputedly made up of people who are distantly related to Richard III, and headed by Stephen Nicolay, his 16th great nephew -- set out its argument to have him reburied in York.
 
"We believe that the proposed location of Leicester is wholly inappropriate for the burial of King Richard III, who had no connections with the town beyond his horrific death, bodily despoliation and appalling burial in a foreshortened grave," it said.
 
 
Lovely Leicester
 
Eventually they were unsuccessful and Leicester won. The folks at the University are even saying it might bring more visitors to the city, although that would involve them ignoring its abject ugliness.
 
Maybe I am jaded by my horrendous night at the Park Hotel when a drawer fell on my feet and prostitutes were tumbling down the stairs.

As well as all of the bad publicity about being general evil and killing the Princes in the Tower, Richard III falls foul of that joke about the Irish guy who goes to the library and demands a book called "Dick Shit."

The librarian is confused until he explains: "Richard the Turd."

Saturday, April 26, 2014

The Most Annoying Song of the Year = # Selfie

It's only April (I think it's still April); which is, of course, the cruelest month boasting the sinking of the Titanic, the Hillsborough tragedy, the Boston marathon bombing and the capsizing of a South Korean ferry, not to mention the A to Z Challenge. Have I smugly mentioned how I did not do it this year? Only 20 times, right.

Also by April I already have a winner for the most annoying song of the year. This one is a radio channel changer, one that makes me jerk my hand to the dial - or as my local radio station states "Put your Nob on Bob," and desperately switch channels as the car veers across lanes.



The song is #Selfie by the Chainsmokers and it sums up all that's wrong with our gadget, Instagram, Twitter, selfie obsessed society: "She's such a fake model. She bought all her Instagram followers." I also suspect it's something of a satire.

OK. Whatever. I don't have time to write anymore. I have selfies to take. Enjoy the video.

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

On Ashes to Ashes by David Bowie

If there is one song that sums up the madness and complexity of the world it has to be Ashes to Ashes by David Bowie.

I love this song, and not only because it reminds me of business as usual ie. that sense of walking on Mars feeling like a clown as a large tractor threatens to swallow us up but the fact it contains the line: "I've never done good things, I've never done bad things. I've never done anything out of the blue."



Well perhaps I have loved too much and too recklessly but at least I can say I have not hated with an equal vigor. Still I feel bad for making others feel bad and there's that proverbial thin line that stalks me in my sleep and threatens to flip me from one side to another like a shutter opening and closing -from good to bad, from black to white, in and out of the sun until I am dizzy from the infernal flickering.

Am I good or bad? The answer is probably somewhere in between but there is little room for shades of grey on a planet that's either cast in darkness or light - strung out in heaven's high, hitting an all-time low.

So what is the meaning of Ashes to Ashes? I'm sure there are dissertations on this subject. I think it probably means Bowie had taken too many drugs when he wrote this. Still I will never get over getting my fix of this song.



Thursday, April 10, 2014

Why You Are Totally and Utterly Mad

It occurs to me that you are totally mad. You know who I am talking about you. Loopy. Bonkers. Three bricks short of a load and the load was unstable to begin with. Don't get me wrong; I am not mocking mental illness, even if I am the only person I have met in this country who doesn't resort to a rattling bottle full of pills. Rather I have come to the conclusion, more through passing observation than an empirical study, that most of us are a bit off keel.


No, not that kind of madness - one step beyond

I have some examples.


1 He stands in my room and I see him shudder inwardly at the sight of my in-box. I know it has affected his equilibrium for the rest of the day.


2 She Tweets until 2 a.m. about the virtues of skinless cats. She complains about being tired the next day and bemoans the way her enthusiasm for the skinless cat is waning.


3 She talks to her feet on the sidewalk. When she sees I have noticed, she quickly pulls out her phone and pretends she was in a conversation with a party other than her toes.


4 She texts me and leaves voicemails in the night asking the price of my rental house, two days after I told her it was $999. She tells me she wants to strike a deal because she can't afford $30,000 a month and her grandmother has gout.


5 She writes on her blog that she won't be on her blog for a couple of days oblivious to the fact none of us are the sun and if we go out the whole world will die. Nope we are Pluto, lost, lonely, cold and insignificant out there fighting to be even recognized as a planet. But didn't we used to be planets? Just give me a week again as a planet damn it.


I can't chide people for being mad. There are seriously days when I look in the mirror and the lights are on but nobody as at home. Apart from the mice that have built a nice little home in my mind - thank you very much.




When in doubt blame Lana Del Rey. Gosh she is fantastic - when will I kick my obsession?


Sunday, April 6, 2014

On Fossil Beach, York River

Zara wanted me to blog about her fossil hunting exploits. I was fine with the idea because it can be difficult to decide what to blog about, especially without the big pointy stick up the bottom that is the A to Z Challenge. But it's not all bad; I can lie back in a hammock and drink Margaritas, metaphorically speaking, while the rest of you wake up in the night in a cold sweat doing despicable things to your teddy bear, just because you have no idea what to write about for X.


Yesterday we drove up to Fossil Beach at York River State Park. The kids were initially disappointed because they had spent an hour-and-a-half in a car only to be faced by a half a mile hike and a tiny secluded beach on the river that was not full of ice cream stalls like Virginia Beach.

But the lure of finding fossils on Fossil Beach took over. There's a huge pile of them at the top of the wooden steps as well as a warning that you can't take them away, which must please countless parents who don't want to wake up next to a dirty great fossil, which almost leads me to that story about my room mate who got hideously drunk and ended up in bed with his grandmother - I digress.



Fossil beaches are few and far between but I like them because they awaken the collector in the young imagination. Who can forget the leaden grey skies and the crashing waves of Lyme Regis where we pulled fossils from the cliffs back in secondary school? Who can forget the day Johnnie Briggs stole my prize ammonite and the long and bitter wait for vengeance that came in the form of liberal coating of joke slime that clung as nicely to his backside as it did his classroom chair.



Zara liked collecting fossils anyway and had accumulated a hefty stash by the time the sun was falling low over the river. Jackson found one that promptly exploded revealing itself to be a lump of mud. The day was going splendidly until Zara trod on a sharp fossil, incurred a small cut on her foot, demanded a piggy back to the car and when I declined insisted on making a video to send to her mother about my cruel fossil hunting excursion.

Next week stay tuned for croc taunting in the Congo....

On Blog PTSD

Now then. What the heck. It seems I had forgotten about my blog completely rather than just neglecting it this time. To return after so long...