B is for Baboon

Baboons earn the sacred B spot in the A-Z challenge because they are so loathsome.

My childhood is haunted by trips to soulless concrete zoos in Britain when I’d peer into the baboon enclosure to be exposed to scenes of screaming, fighting, gang rape and the like committed by oversized monkeys with raw red bottoms; all of which probably explains why I was scarred for life.

A male baboon acting like the mane man (Dick Mudde)

If there’s one species that makes me want to be a creationist and believe mankind was created in a flash of lightning rather than evolved from primates, it’s the aggressive old baboon.

To me the most offensive aspect of the baboon is its sticky out red bottom. Most self respecting beasts would want to keep a backside like that hidden away. Not the baboon, it seems. It makes me feel no better to know their inflamed looking butts have a use. Apparently a female baboon initiates mating by presenting her swollen rump to the male's face. Lovely.

Wikipedia – which I will draw on heavily during this challenge because I am feeling lazy – describes the aggression displayed by baboons which includes a “quick flashing of the eyelids accompanied by a yawn to show off the teeth.”

Apparently some males succeed in taking a female from another's harem, in an act called a "takeover".

“In many species, infant baboons are taken by the males as hostages during fights,” adds Wikipedia.

It seems not only are baboons ugly sex offenders but they’ll also resort to child kidnap. There are five species of baboon and they live in Africa and Arabia. They are the Olive Baboon, the Guinea Baboon, the Chacma Baboon, the Yellow Baboon and the Hamadryas Baboon.

Ancient Egyptians considered the Hamadryas baboons to be sacred and related them with Thoth, the god of letters. Frankly I find the idea of baboons being scared laughable, perhaps explaining why the Egyptians all ended up mummified.

Useless Fact About Baboons

Baboons take part in social groomingn by picking parasites, dead skin, nefarious gunk, dirt and other unpleasant objects from each other's fur. The act strengthens social bonds within the group but the picking order is also a pecking order with the boboon who is being groomed having a higher status in the group than the one doing the grooming. Having a pal to pick out your lice is the kind of baboon equivalent of having a butler.

What Not to Say to a Baboon

Maybe I can get you a pair of pants