Friday, December 27, 2013

Elf on the Shelf - Be Very Afraid

A new Christmas tradition this year was Elf on the Shelf. Basically the elf, who was later named Stuart, arrived on December 24 and you are supposed to put it in various places to scare the crap out of the kids before hiding it until next year.

That would be because as soon as he hears Santa's sleigh bells he's taken off to Lapland, Greenland, Detroit or whatever Godforsaken place Santa hangs out for the rest of the year as he bangs away on new toys with his elvish helpers, and bemoans the fact kids no longer want the sort of toys that require banging away on with elves.



Stu missed the boat, or at least the sleigh and hung around. It suited purposes to depict Stu as some kind of sinister spy, like Santa's KGB or the NSA. Every time a kid misbehaves, which is about every two minutes, a grave finger is pointed at Stu who is looking and listening and reporting back in a small mental elf blotter whose scribbles add up to Santa delivering a pile of steaming horse manure next year.

It amazes me that even a 9-year-old can believe Stu actually moves; even more so when I happen to be standing next to him and he's moved to a window ledge close to my hand. I have almost been caught in the act and his infernal hat has fallen off and I'm hiding it under a shoe.

Of course, Stu can do much more. He can appear in bathrooms and make sure kids are using the body wash - hence policing the scenario and mitigating against the curious fact kids can spend an hour in the bath or shower and still emerge greasy.

Policing is a good word for Stu. He's humorless and unbending. If he had a favorite country it would be North Korea where people make a big show of executing relatives. If you misbehave Stu is bad for your elf. Personally I fear Stu's rigidity may make him good material for the therapist's couch but he's better off on the couch in the living room. Looks like he may have to hang around all year until Santa waddles this way again.

17 comments:

  1. I would have been terrified of Stu as a kid. Honestly the picture alone is kind of creepy to me even now. Your poor kids LOL.

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    1. I know Julie - Stu will haunt them for the rest of the year..

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  2. I'm not really sure what this whole elf on a shelf craze is all about. My parents had one of those elves, probably purchased in the 50s or 60s and it was just a decoration in the diningroom. It kinda had a plunky chime sound in the body when shaken a little bit. But it was never moved around, thank god; that would have scared me to death if my parents were gaslighting me like that.

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    1. well he hadn't moved for a while so I had to make a big move to the kitchen JoJo - I guess most of the best ideas are old ones

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  3. I'm glad this tradition came around after my boys were already grown so I didn't have to deal with it. :D He seems very creepy to me as well.

    Happy New Year to you, David!

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    1. tis the most sinister thing since erm Santa Daisy :)

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  4. That is a creepy looking elf. I would be scared of it if I were a kid. In fact, I'm a little scared now! lol

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    1. Agreed Patricia - he looks like he could be an accountant in another life..

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  5. Oh what wonderful ideas we come up with to torture our kids! I missed out on this one! LOL

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    1. we all need a bit of elf now and then Yolanda :)

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  6. Ha! We have that creepy elf too. My son paid him no attention this year. Last year, he thought it was fun to find him in new spots, but now he's just the boring elf that he already knows isn't real. Have a great new year!

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    1. Thanks you too Christine - oh yes my son pays no attention to him, just my older daughter...

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  7. I agree. He's very rigid. I thought you could bend that elf and contort him into all sorts of positions. Um, not that I was trying anything scandalous with an elf on the shelf. Not publicly anyway. But he's not flexible at all.

    Seasons greetings, David. Hope all's well.

    xoRobyn

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    1. steady on Robyn - he'll report you to Santa and then you won't get any ..hmm. Seasons greeting to you too xo

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  8. I agree. He's very rigid. I thought you could bend that elf and contort him into all sorts of positions. Um, not that I was trying anything scandalous with an elf on the shelf. Not publicly anyway. But he's not flexible at all.

    Seasons greetings, David. Hope all's well.

    xoRobyn

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  9. My kids are 19 and 24 and we had an elf long before he was commercialized.. trouble is he got lost somewhere along the way. Perhaps Santa needed him more than we did.. oh well. He won't serve his purpose anymore.. now it's more about the car keys and phone bill.

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