In my ulterior life role as Dr. Dave - Social Media Guru I receive a vast amount of correspondence from people who want my tips on how to network, wot with me being so cutting edge and all that. Here's a small sample of questions and answers for your edification...
Q Is It Possible to Update my LinkedIn Profile on My Typewriter?
Q My Mother has sent me a Facebook friends request. Should I accept?
A No. Under no circumstances accept a Facebook request from a parent. Not only will it allow them to keep tabs on your life but they may start posting pictures of you the year they didn't let you get your hair cut for six months or with food all round your mouth and on your bib. Aunts and uncles are a more difficult call. I have developed the Suck Test in these circumstances. Ask yourself if they suck. If the answer is 'no' consider accepting.
Q How many pictures of my baby should I post on Facebook and Twitter?
A This question is a very relevant one. I have a Facebook friend called Ponceroy (not his real name) who has recently had twin boys (more accurately his Missis actually had them). He has taken to posting pictures of his kids on a daily basis. Now he has gone one step further and posts status updates saying he is going to do a photo shoot of new images which will be posted soon, just to let us know what a treat we have in store.
The fact is other people's babies all look the same and even though he seems to think he's Anne Geddes, Ponceroy's babies are exceptionally ugly. My aunt had a pug... I digress. He is now defriended. Post your baby pics sparingly - I would suggest two a month.
Q I just turned 50 and am wondering if there's a cut off age for posting on social networks.
A You should not worry yet. The cut off age is 51. There's a retired home improvement correspondent type woman I know who is constantly posting a drivel of updates on Facebook. The other day I made a rare visit to Twitter-land and found another stream of Tweets from her at 10 p.m. I am now wondering if this woman has any kind of life away from social networks. Look if you are 18 and you are constantly Tweeting, you may still be cool because you are probably hanging out at some bar and multi tasking. if you are sitting at home banging out this stuff all night at the age of 65, you probably need someone to take away your laptop and place yourself in a potting shed to sniff geraniums.
Q Is Quora for nerds?
A I'm not sure. I have been too busy answering the question about whether the Thirty Years War really ended with the Treaty of Westphalia.
Q I Have a MySpace account - Am I correct in assuming this is new, up and coming social media site?
A I am assuming you take a lot of meth and watch Betamax. I've heard it's a good site for gang members.
Q I am contacting you for advice about my embarrassing fetish involving vacuum cleaners. Can you assure me you will treat my issue with utmost confidentiality?
A You can rest assured the confidentiality of your correspondence is guaranteed Mrs. Gertude Dobbins of 3485 Havover Driver, Great Snoring, Ohio is your email still Gdobbins@dyson.com BTW ?