Sunday, July 7, 2013

Guest Post #4 - Robyn Alana Engel @ Life by Chocolate

I am pleased to feature Robyn in today's guest blog. I have known Robyn for ever and her hilarious posts about dating, chocolate and dating and chocolate, constantly serve to remind me that the male of the species is habitually sex obsessed and generally grammatically incorrect. Wot cud she possibly be talking about? Anyhow without further ado...drumroll...

BTW just a week into guest blogging week the post pantry is looking a bit empty. Send me your scintillating new insights or old recycled posts to maccaz17@hotmail.com - there are no rules other than the requirement to flatter my megalomaniac ego...




Hopefully, you aren’t dropping by for the eloquent, prolific writing that you’ve come to expect here. Instead, I’m serving up a dose of snarky humor. Let me back-up to say that David and I have been cyber friends for several years. He’s very kind, and his rules were so loose with this guest post gig that I offered to assist. Thus, I’m sharing the story of one of my worst dates ever. Mr. Ribald is particularly memorable because he stood me up during the date. I hope this entertains and offers renewed appreciation for your relationship status, whatever that may be.

Cheers!

xoRobyn at Life by Chocolate, www.Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com

 
On Why I Choose Celibacy Reason #167: Mr. Ribald's Epistle

 
It’s less common but more annoying than morons who can’t spell “I”: people who typically use words most folks have never heard before. Yep, I dated this one too, a couple weeks ago. 

 He “favorited” me on a popular Internet dating site. His profile boasts a “ribald” and “trenchant” humor. [Both words are synonymous with “obscene.”] Still, I thought, “He’s not a moron. How refreshing.” I sent a brief, friendly “hello.” Note to self: dumb move.

 
Mr. Ribald responded: “What an unalloyed pleasure to receive your epistle.” Epistle? I didn’t know I had one to give. [Epistle means letter.] Slightly intrigued, I agreed to a phone chat. Epistle to self: dumber move.

 
The phone conversation was irritating, as I didn’t have a dictionary or the Internet within reach. Still, I thought it might be nice to have a walking Roget by my side. I thus agreed to what he enthusiastically termed a “meet and greet.” Epistle to self: dumbest move.

 
We met at T. Fusion, my favorite cafĂ©, and he paid for my Chocolate Chai Tea Frost. Mr. Ribald is decent looking and outgoing, but his attempts to impress involved crude jokes. 

 
I sat in bored irritation watching his lips move, sipping my Frost, until he finally delivered a punch-line with the word “balls.”

 
“That’s not funny,” I responded.

 
Mr. Ribald tried again, offering jokes with different creatures that walk into a bar.

 
“Nope, not funny.”… “Not funny either…” “I’m still not laughing.”

 “Well you tell me a joke,” he insisted.

 
“I don’t do one-liners. It’s not my kind of humor. ”

 Exasperated, he declared, “I think you don’t have a sense of humor, so this isn’t going to work. I wouldn’t have anything to say on our second date...I feel judged.” Mr. Ribald abruptly and dramatically stood up and began walking out. As the people at the next table subtly eyed me with compassion, I casually took time to consume the last of my Frost, found a napkin on the floor that needed discarding, and began strolling out behind him.

 Mr. Ribald stopped and turned around to apologize. I’d apparently pushed his unalloyed ribald buttons or epistle-like trenchant nerves by failing to appreciate crude jokes.“It was entirely my fault,” he admitted.

 We shook hands and wished each other well.

 I’m left wondering if Mr. Ribald’s large, trenchant vocabulary serves as compensation for a small epistle he keeps hidden..? I’ll never know, and that’s a good thing. So is celibacy.

 



9 comments:

  1. Ahahaha! Yikes, what a jerk!

    He wouldn't have anything to say on the second date? Sounds like he didn't have anything to say on the first one either!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. lol this was so funny. epistle to self: follow this blogger.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thank you, David, for the kind words and delicious cake. I also appreciate being able to take up space her. I'm sure Mr. Ribald would experience unalloyed enthusiasm and the need to quell his epistle would he preview this one.

    Daisy, it's true. What a jerk - to think that a date is like a stand-up routine. Weirdo!

    Dee, epistle to self: follow you too.

    ADSL, I love you too. Thanks.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Ah yes, I remember this story. What a douche bag he was. I'm glad he at least apologized in the end...

    ReplyDelete
  5. Thanks, JoJo. It's interesting how long it took me to laugh this one off. He REALLY upset me.

    BabySis, yeah, at least he realized he was being a douche bag.

    ReplyDelete
  6. your date stories are always great value Robyn - thx soo much for taking part...

    ReplyDelete
  7. Searching for the Best Dating Site? Create an account to find your perfect date.

    ReplyDelete